After this weekend, it has come crashing to my attention that all you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war. I have picked my star, and I am going to follow the light, but no one is coming with me. They are all going in their own directions.
We will all come back when it's over, so there is no need to say goodbye.
Staying connected, even artificially, will dull some of the poison pulsing through my veins.
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger, until they're before your eyes.
We had fun. Or at least we all attempted to keep on smiles and neglect complaints in order to make our last bit of precious time together a happy one.
Yes, the bar was scuzzy. Yes, I wish I wasn't the only one who could hold their alcohol. Yes, I hated sleeping in the same bed as Monoca. Yes, I wanted to cry the ENTIRE time.
No, I didn't correct the bartender on how to mix my drink. No, I didn't drive even though I was arguably most sober. No, I didn't complain or tug or resort to the floor. No, I didn't let anyone see me cry, nor frown, nor give any indication that the numbness was beginning to move past my boarders and slowly choke me into despair.
...And then that Word grew louder and louder, until it was a Battle CRY!
Sunday held a great deal of promise for developing my future life. Rebuilding my faith community is proving to be less of a challenge, though I seem to be a constant disappointment. Much to the dismay of my new friends, I have no interest in youth ministry. I don't have the strength to subject myself to brutal testing and strife right now. My faith would certainly endure it, though my passion would not.
Boy seems indecisive, to be modest. I feel like a distraction and I don't want to be. Though his interest seems genuine enough, I would hate to deprive the wider Church of such great potential and heart for my own happiness. What to do...
Just because every thing's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
I cannot help but feel orphaned, abandoned, alone. No word for this exists. I cannot do this alone, yet no one comes to my aid. Now I just sound silly, and I know it. I do not understand the problem myself, so how can I expect anyone to actually help me.
I hope BestBossEVER! is in tomorrow. That will make me feel loads better.
I'll come back when you call me. No need to say goodbye.