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After this weekend, it has come crashing to my attention that all you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war. I have picked my star, and I am going to follow the light, but no one is coming with me. They are all going in their own directions.

We will all come back when it's over, so there is no need to say goodbye.

Staying connected, even artificially, will dull some of the poison pulsing through my veins.

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger, until they're before your eyes.

We had fun. Or at least we all attempted to keep on smiles and neglect complaints in order to make our last bit of precious time together a happy one.

Yes, the bar was scuzzy. Yes, I wish I wasn't the only one who could hold their alcohol. Yes, I hated sleeping in the same bed as Monoca. Yes, I wanted to cry the ENTIRE time.

No, I didn't correct the bartender on how to mix my drink. No, I didn't drive even though I was arguably most sober. No, I didn't complain or tug or resort to the floor. No, I didn't let anyone see me cry, nor frown, nor give any indication that the numbness was beginning to move past my boarders and slowly choke me into despair.

...And then that Word grew louder and louder, until it was a Battle CRY!

Sunday held a great deal of promise for developing my future life. Rebuilding my faith community is proving to be less of a challenge, though I seem to be a constant disappointment. Much to the dismay of my new friends, I have no interest in youth ministry. I don't have the strength to subject myself to brutal testing and strife right now. My faith would certainly endure it, though my passion would not.

Boy seems indecisive, to be modest. I feel like a distraction and I don't want to be. Though his interest seems genuine enough, I would hate to deprive the wider Church of such great potential and heart for my own happiness. What to do...

Just because every thing's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before.

I cannot help but feel orphaned, abandoned, alone. No word for this exists. I cannot do this alone, yet no one comes to my aid. Now I just sound silly, and I know it. I do not understand the problem myself, so how can I expect anyone to actually help me.

I hope BestBossEVER! is in tomorrow. That will make me feel loads better.

I'll come back when you call me. No need to say goodbye.
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I feel like shit. Something is wrong, but I can never seem to put my finger on it. I feel so lost, so devestated, so abandoned...just a melee of horrible, unwanted emotions that leave me in a state of disarray.

I can't do this. That's all I can say. I'm so inarticulate. I freeze-up to the point that I physically can't say what I tell myself to say. It's peculiar, telling your self to say something and having nothing happen but a prolonged internal conflict.

I have so much to do. Fuck.

I think my relationship with God came to an albatross on the LIGHT retreat. I couldn't stop crying and He just let me slip further and further into despair. I can't do this alone. No one is supposed to be alone. I am lost, without guidance, and I haven't the slightest clue as to what the general idea of what I should be doing is. I come off as jumbled, my facade is breaking down...for crying out loud, people I barely know are noticing.

How could you leave me? I looked to you to help, to guide, to generate and provide some sort of release--to be my God and savior. Where are you? Why did you leave me? Why did you have to take everyone else away with you when you left and leave me behind? I know that I am not worthy, that I don't deserve anything at all, but isn't that the point? Isn't that supposed to be a pinnacle of faith? I hate feeling like this. I hate trying and failing; I hate defending what has abandoned me. It's like I'm beholden to my rapist.

I keep on saying that I can't do this alone. I can not. I think I've proven that assertion rather well. I wish that I could die, just leave this world and enter into nothingness. I have no purpose, no goal, no love. What is life without love? Isn't that why you put us here and out of which you saved us? They why have I none? I give it so freely, so openly...why have I none in return?

Work by Jars of Clay

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work
Current Music:
Work: Jars of Clay
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